Hold onto your deep-dish, folks! You've stumbled upon the ultimate, ridiculously exhaustive, and totally unscientific guide to sussing out if someone is a genuine, dyed-in-the-wool Chicagoan. Forget boring geography; we're diving deep into the weird, wonderful, and highly specific quirks that make a person from the Windy City stand out like a hot dog with no ketchup. Get ready to laugh and learn, even if you’re just a whippersnapper trying to figure out which grown-up to ask for an extra slice of pie. This is going to be a super lengthy, hilarious journey, so buckle up!
Step 1: The Linguistic Litmus Test ️ (The 'Say What Now?' Phase)
Want to know if someone is the real deal? Just listen. Chicagoans have a language all their own, a kind of linguistic secret handshake.
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| How To Tell If Someone Is From Chicago |
1.1 The Great Vowel Migration (The 'A' is Not an 'A')
Ask them to say the word 'hot dog.' If it comes out sounding less like "hawt dawg" and more like "hut dug," you've got a live one. They flatten the 'a' sound in a way that’s totally unique. It’s like their mouth is trying to multitask—chewing a Polish sausage and talking at the same time. Ask them where they put their clothes, and if they say the word 'drawer' with a silent 'r' so it sounds like "draw," their Chicago cred is certified.
1.2 Calling Dibs and Getting Fizzies (Slang Sensation)
Throw these phrases at them and watch their eyes light up with recognition:
"C’mon, I called dibs!": This means "I claimed that spot/thing first." If they use "dibs" for the front seat of the car or the last cookie, they’re probably Chicago-born. It’s the universal Chicago law of first possession.
"Pop" vs. "Soda": Ask what they want with their meal. If they say "pop," they're from here. If they say "soda," they're probably a tourist or a poser. A Chicagoan's face will crinkle up at "soda" like they just ate a lemon.
"The Loop": If they know this refers to the downtown business district—specifically the train tracks that loop around it—without having to look it up, they pass!
Step 2: The Culinary Combat Check (The 'Hold the Ketchup!' Phase)
Food isn't just fuel in Chicago; it's a lifestyle and a test of honor.
2.1 The Hot Dog Heresy Test
This is the ultimate, non-negotiable test. Ask them: "Do you put ketchup on your hot dogs?"
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If they hesitate, or worse, say yes, they are a fraud. Send them packing!
If they immediately recoil, make a gagging sound, and deliver a passionate, 10-minute speech on the sanctity of the 'Chicago Style' hot dog (mustard, chopped onion, relish, pickle spear, tomato slices, sport peppers, and a dash of celery salt—all on a poppy seed bun), they're a native. Ketchup is for French fries and children under the age of four, period.
2.2 Deep-Dish Diplomacy vs. Thin-Crust Treachery
Bring up pizza. Chicagoans are known for deep-dish, but the real Chicagoan knows the truth:
They acknowledge deep-dish (like Lou Malnati's or Giordano's) is a fantastic, knife-and-fork, casserole-of-a-meal, but they’ll quietly confess that tavern-style thin crust (cut into squares, or "party cuts") is what they actually order 90% of the time. If they only rave about deep-dish, they're probably just trying to impress you. It's the pizza you eat standing up in a bar, and it's awesome.
2.3 Jib-Jab Jargon (Italian Beef Secrets)
Order an Italian Beef sandwich in front of them. The crucial question is: "How would you like it prepared?"
If they know to respond with "dipped" (the whole sandwich is dunked in the flavorful meat juices, making it messy but glorious) or "wet" (the juice is just spooned over the top), they understand the sacred covenant of the Italian Beef. If they ask for "plain" or "dry," they need remedial training.
Step 3: The Directional Deception ️ (The 'Where’s That At?' Phase)
Chicago’s grid system is a sacred scroll that only true residents can instantly decode.
3.1 The Magic Numbers of State and Madison
State Street and Madison Street are the zero-zero point of the entire city's coordinate system.
Ask them what the address "1200 N. State" means in relation to downtown. A true Chicagoan knows that the "1200 N" means it's twelve blocks north of Madison Street. It’s like their internal GPS is always locked onto that single intersection. They can look at an address like "3100 West" and instantly know it's about three miles from the lakefront.
3.2 The Lake Effect Locator
Ask them to point out where "The Lake" is.
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If they reflexively point East (because it’s always Lake Michigan), even if they’re standing miles away, they're channeling their inner Chicago compass. The lake is their perpetual directional anchor. It’s the ultimate landmark; everything is described as being "towards the lake" or "away from the lake."
Step 4: The Winter Warrior Wisdom (The 'Park-N-Shovel' Phase)
Chicago winters are no joke, and they breed a very specific kind of tough, pragmatic person.
4.1 The Parking Spot Protector (The 'Dibs' Redux)
Ask them what a "Chicago Parking Dibs" setup looks like.
A true Chicagoan will describe the tradition of using a broken lawn chair, an old tire, or a milk crate to reserve a street parking spot that they painstakingly shoveled out after a massive snowfall. They'll defend this spot with the ferocity of a momma bear protecting her cubs. If they think "dibs" only applies to the front seat, they’ve never been truly betrayed by a neighbor.
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4.2 The Jacket Judgement (The 'It's Fine' Attitude)
Mention the weather. Say it's 40 degrees Fahrenheit.
If they shrug and say something like, "It’s a great day! I think I’ll just wear a hoodie," you've found a native. Anyone else is probably wearing a huge parka and complaining. Chicagoans have a super high tolerance for cold and a habit of severely underestimating it in the spring.
Step 5: The Sports Scrutiny ⚾ (The 'Wait ‘Til Next Year' Phase)
Chicago sports fandom is a deeply personal, often painful, but always loyal thing.
5.1 North Side vs. South Side Schism
Bring up baseball. The response is everything.
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Do they immediately launch into a discussion about the Cubs (North Side) or the White Sox (South Side)? They must have a strong opinion. They can't like both; that's like saying you like both ketchup and no-ketchup on a hot dog. It's treason!
If they talk about the Bears with a mix of hopeful optimism and deep, weary sadness (the true Chicago sports emotional state), they've lived the struggle.
5.2 The Jordan Generation
Ask them about Michael Jordan.
If they say, "Yeah, he was a great basketball player," they are not from Chicago.
If they immediately refer to him as the GOAT (Greatest of All Time) and can rattle off details of the '90s Bulls dynasty like it was yesterday, you’re talking to a person who lived through the city's golden age of basketball. The Bulls are a point of eternal civic pride.
How to find the best Italian beef sandwich in Chicago?
You need to ask for a place that offers both "wet" and "dipped" options and focuses on the quality of the beef and the giardiniera (spicy pickled vegetables). Try Al's Beef or Johnnie's Beef.
How to navigate the city's confusing expressways?
Know the main ones: the Kennedy (I-90/94 going Northwest), the Dan Ryan (I-90/94 going South), and the Stevenson (I-55). Always factor in way more time than you think you need, especially during "rush hour."
How to understand Chicago's address system instantly?
Remember the zero point: State Street is the East/West divider, and Madison Street is the North/South divider. Every 8 blocks equals one mile. It's a perfect grid!
How to avoid looking like a tourist downtown?
Walk with purpose, don't stop suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk to look up at a building, and never call the Willis Tower by its original name, the Sears Tower, unless you want an instant history lesson from a local.
QuickTip: Don’t just consume — reflect.
How to get a 'Chicago Style' hot dog without being judged?
Go to a classic joint like Portillo's or Gene & Jude's, and when you order, simply say, "One Chicago style, please," and then immediately follow it up with a firm, "And hold the ketchup!"
How to properly call 'dibs' on a parking spot?
After you've finished shoveling out your spot, place a sturdy, noticeable object (like a folding chair or milk crate) directly in the center of the space. Be prepared to defend it—it's a tradition, but a touchy one.
How to pronounce some Chicago street names correctly?
It's "Des Plaines" (Dess Planes, not Deh Plain), "Goethe" (GUR-tah, not Goat-ee), and "Belmont" (BULL-mont). Getting these right is a subtle sign of local knowledge.
How to dress for a sudden temperature drop?
Always layer up, even in spring or fall. Due to the "Lake Effect," the weather can change super fast. A simple hoodie and a windbreaker are often safer bets than just one heavy coat.
How to talk about the L-train correctly?
It's always the 'L' (for elevated), never the subway or the metro. Know the color of the lines (Red, Brown, Blue, etc.) and refer to the downtown elevated tracks as "The Loop."
How to sound like a local when talking about baseball?
Choose a team and stick with it! Talk about the Cubs with reference to "Friendly Confines" (Wrigley Field) or the White Sox with the "South Side" pride, and never switch allegiance.
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